Finding Liberating Grace on the Journey: Understanding and Healing from Eating Disorders

Lessons from My Story.

I want to share a personal story with you to illustrate an important point, an even provocative point: your eating disorder is not your fault.  Yes, it is not your fault.  Back when I was deep in my struggle, I often blamed myself, feeling weak and ashamed. Each morning, I would wake up with a renewed commitment to do better, to eat right, and to move my body correctly. I had countless rules about food that I believed would give me control, strength, and empowerment. Instead, these rules became a form of bondage, leading to both mental and physical torment. I remember sitting in front of the mirror, picking apart every flaw, convinced that my lack of control over food was a personal failure. The guilt and shame were overwhelming, making me feel isolated and unworthy.  And the worst part, is that I was doing it to myself, blaming myself for something that was truly not fundamentally my fault. 

As a young girl, I would pray fervently for God to make me someone else—someone prettier and more lovable, as I had tied these qualities to thinness. In my confused mind, to be thin was to be pretty, and to be pretty was to be lovable. I begged God to make it so. At that point in time, it seems that no amount of reciting Psalm 139 could cure my self-hatred. No number of Bible verses taped to pantries, specific food items, the fridge, and the mirror were making a dent in my self-hatred. I believe God can instantly heal someone, but that surely was not my story.

Growing through entering my suffering

Instead, God walked with me through the incredibly long, frustrating, and ultimately glorious journey of eating disorder recovery. He did not heal me in an instant but was by my side as I navigated this challenging but life-changing path. I say this because if you, like me, are not being healed in a moment, I pray you can feel the love of Jesus on you and for you, in this very moment. Because He does love you and He is for you, and like me, He has given you the ability to know Him more deeply through, of all things, your suffering. I know that can sound crazy, but my experience personally and professionally validates it.  Philippians 3:10 states, "I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” I know it hurts to be you right now, and I know you would give just anything to be freed in a moment. Yet, in this journey with and into our suffering, we find a profound intimacy with Christ, experiencing His love and grace in ways we might never have known otherwise. Through this suffering, we can be drawn closer to Him, learning to rely on His strength, receive His love, and finding hope in His promise to never leave us or forsake us.

A new framework for understanding and gaining freedom from my struggle

The first step that helped me begin to walk with Jesus on this road of recovery was understanding the Biopsychosocial Model of eating disorder development.  It can sound a bit overwhelming, but bear with me, it will really help you if you can keep reading.  This model emphasizes that eating disorders emerge from a complex set of interactions between biological, psychological, and social factors—factors that are in many ways beyond our control.

Recognizing this liberating truth really helped me shift the immobilizing blame away from myself to begin embracing the compassion and support needed for true healing. I strongly believe you deserve the same understanding and freedom on your journey. This model offers a way to see the broader picture and understand that our struggles are not signs of personal failures but the result of numerous influences that intertwine in ways we might not initially see. By embracing this perspective, I hope you can begin to gain the courage to take your first step toward profound and lasting healing.

Here are the three factors of the biopsychosocial model:

● Biological factors: Genetics, neurobiological abnormalities, and hormonal imbalances.

● Psychological factors: Personality traits (e.g., perfectionism, low self-esteem), trauma, and coping mechanisms.

● Social factors: Cultural pressures, family dynamics, peer influences, and societal norms about body image.

Biologically, certain genetic factors and specific neurochemical brain makeups can predispose someone to develop disordered eating behaviors. Psychologically, trauma, stress, and personality traits such as perfectionism or low self-esteem play significant roles in the development of an eating disorder. Socially, cultural pressures, media portrayals of the ideal body, and unhealthy family dynamics contribute to the problem. I encourage you to think about your own personal factors that have influenced your relationship with food. For me, eating disorders run in my family. I can name one or two people in every generation since my great-great-grandmother who have struggled with eating disorders. I also grew up as a competitive dancer and suffered from an anxious, perfectionistic, never-good-enough mentality. These factors, among others, significantly contributed to my own development of an eating disorder. Recognizing that these elements came together to create the perfect storm for me was the beginning of realizing that my eating disorder was truly not my fault; it was a culmination of various influences largely beyond my control.

I hope that by recognizing the fundamental truth that your eating disorder is not your fault, you can more readily rely on God and trust that He is for you rather than being consumed with feelings of failure, shame, and guilt. Embracing this perspective can be the first step towards profound healing and deeper self-compassion. You deserve to find peace and understanding on your journey, and I believe that with faith and self-compassion, true healing is possible.

Steps to recovery

Recovery is a journey, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Here are a few practical steps to help you start:

1. Educate Yourself: Learn more about the biopsychosocial model and how it applies to your own experience. Knowledge can be empowering and help you make sense of your journey.
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Recovery is not linear, and setbacks are a part of the process. Remember to celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may seem.
3. Lean on Your Faith: Spend time in prayer, meditation, and reading scripture, asking God to guide you to true healing, not to give you a different body. Allow your relationship with God to be a source of strength and comfort. Remember Philippians 3:10 and the promise that you are never alone in your suffering.
4. Seek Professional Help: please reach out to me if you are in Illinois and have any questions or want support for your recovery journey. You don’t have to keep suffering and you especially do not need to keep suffering alone and in silence.

As you take these steps, remember that healing is possible. Your eating disorder does not define you, and it is not your fault. You are worthy of love, compassion, and a life free from the burdens of disordered eating. Trust in the journey, lean on your faith, and embrace the support available to you.

If you ever feel overwhelmed or lost, remember that God's love for you is unwavering. He walks with you every step of the way, offering His strength and grace. Your story will be one of resilience and hope, and your journey toward healing will inspire others to find their own path to recovery and ultimately give glory to God.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you. I pray that you find the courage to embark on your own journey of healing and that you experience the profound love and peace that comes from knowing you are never alone.

With love and hope,

Tessa