Love and Leadership?
Gratitude.
In so many ways, I am an incredibly fortunate man. I have an amazing wife, who has been an extraordinary gift in my life for over 25 years. I have four beloved kids, who bring great joy to my life, and also help me see my brokenness much more clearly. :-)
And, above all, I am increasingly aware of how much the God of the universe, the God of the Bible, loves me. Broken, imperfect me. Stunning. I cannot express how much healing, transformation, and happiness that has, and continues to bring, to my soul. (I know God loves all of His children…it is just that I’m experiencing it personally in deeper ways, even more so as I get older. I did not see that coming!)
The Joy of Coaching
I also get to do things I love as a big chunk of my vocation. For over twenty years, one of those things has been supporting Christian leaders in their aspirations to grow and somehow actually become more like Jesus over the span of their careers. No small endeavor, of course! The primary avenue for this is often coaching sessions, which are conversations where lasting transformation is pursued through following the Holy Spirit's lead and drawing on a host of essential coaching skills.
A few months back, I met with one of my favorite Christian leaders for a coaching session, a gentleman named Kevin Kossick. Kevin just retired as the Vice President of Education at the Georgia Cumberland Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. Ever since I started working with him over ten years ago, he has had a deep and lasting thirst to grow as a leader, particularly in the areas of who he becomes, how he engages, and how he leads. (Kevin graciously gave me permission to share about him in this blog.)
An Emerging Definition of Godly Leadership
What was so striking about this particular conversation was the way I believe God helped me see something that I had never understood before about godly leadership. As Kevin unassumingly shared about some of his recent conversations with significant people in his leadership world, and then about what he had spontaneously done to support some of his constituents, it slowly dawned on me, like manna falling from heaven, that in its purest form, leadership is love in action. Yes, leadership is love in action. I am still kind of reeling about how profound that is. Candidly, I believe that insight emerged at some level because of the presence of the Holy Spirit in Kevin and in our conversation. (I do consistently find that the more godly the person is I'm talking with, the more the Holy Spirit works in our time. It has been such a powerful thing to see that more clearly over time.)
For some unknown reason, I had simply never thought of leadership in that particular way before. I know that it's really common to think of leadership as influence, or as motivating followers. But to think that the heart of Christian leadership, is meant to be exclusively informed by, motivated by, and led by, love, is, in my opinion, truly significant.
There are two major elements relating to godly leadership I want to underscore in this blog that ideally will motivate and inspire you as a reader to grow as a leader. The first item for us to consider would be:
Embodying Love in one-on-one Interactions
It has been such a gift and privilege to have a front row seat in Kevin’s transformation journey over the years. As a Christian leader, Kevin has always cared about people, but he has become so good at seeing people, at valuing them, through how he listens, asks questions, empathizes, affirms, and shares his insights, that it is not uncommon for him to share, with a spirit of gratitude and wonder, about how someone opened up to him in ways that he didn't expect, and how they were somehow moved by his time with them. If you were listening to him share in my place, I believe you as well would see how there is no pride in how he shares, he is simply passionate about caring for and developing people.
In this conversation, Kevin shared about two distinct instances where he had truly meaningful encounters, where individuals were vulnerable and transparent in sharing their hearts with him. As we talked about those interactions, it became more and more clear to me that somehow there just be more and more of Jesus in Kevin that emerges during those interactions, such that when these people are with him, whether they could articulate it or not, they are experiencing being loved. It did, and often continues to bring tears to my eyes as I reflect on those notions. How beautiful it is, when a Christian leader, by virtue of the nature and quality of their presence, by how much they have been transformed by Jesus, evokes a visceral sense on the part of the recipient, that They Are Being Loved.
When Kevin loves people by how he is with them, clearly, he is embodying the definition of leadership as love in action. I can, without hesitation, say that I have experienced that firsthand as Kevin has interacted with me. Sometimes he is so caring and curious about my life in our conversations, that I have to push the conversation back to him. :)
What about You?
I would assume most of you reading this are wondering, how do I do when I am with people I am leading and serving? Do they then open up with me like they do with Kevin? If they do, I am really happy for you, as you are likely experiencing fulfillment as you lead with love. If you sense that isn’t happening, I encourage you to ask God for the grace to slow down and reflect. Consider asking: God, how do I typically with people? Is loving them, and valuing them and their growth at the forefront of my mind, or are my agendas top of mind? If it is the latter, ask God for the grace and guidance to change, because to the extent that your agenda is preeminent, God’s aspirations for your growth and impact are not. And that invariably means over time, until you change, the people you lead will not be inspired to give you their best, or grow through their time with you, they will silently struggle with your style, and need to grow because of working for you.
I don’t mean to imply that Kevin doesn’t care about results, or that everyone opens up to him. It is more about Kevin’s posture and way of engaging that leads to more people to share more than less, and more transformation happening than less, or candidly, none at all. Frankly, most leaders, even Christian leaders, often struggle with really being present and entering people’s hearts when they are with them. The pressure of agendas and the allure of accomplishment can overtake their ability to honor the person. It requires skills and a level of maturity that many people haven’t attained to honor the person, to care about them and care about what they are needing to get done, perhaps because they are not even aware of the possibilities.
But people that don’t get to where Kevin is, are missing out on some of the richest and most meaningful elements of leadership…the chance to help a colleague or subordinate experience the bona fide love of God in undeniable ways. I know that in my world as a coach and therapist, my greatest fulfillment comes through experiencing the love and wisdom of God flow through me, even with my imperfections, as people, over time, gradually experience greater fullness through the transformation they experience in our work, in conjunction with ways that they are pursuing greater life in God.
Should you grow in your ability to come alongside people in ways that they increasingly feel seen and understood, and even grow in insight and wisdom through conversations with you, I believe you as well will experience some of the richest fulfillment life has to offer.
But there's one other element to underscore for our time together, that further fleshes out our definition of godly leadership as love in action.
Love in Action through Acts of Service
Kevin lives in an area that was hit pretty hard by Hurricane Milton, and a number of the schools that he oversaw in his role were negatively impacted by it. Large trees that fell down in the high winds blocked parking lots and did other damage. As one school was in the process of opening back up, Kevin felt led to bring them some donuts to cheer them up. As he was trying to get to the building, there were still a number of trees still lying down in the parking lot that people had to navigate around to get to the building. Kevin asked about what was being planned to have the trees removed. The leader shared that a local tree company, taking advantage of the situation, was going to charge them between $10,000 and $13,000 to remove the trees.
Kevin was stunned. He knew the school couldn't afford to pay that. He initially thought of asking his team if they could find money in their budget to pay for the tree removal. When he mentioned it to the team, what he heard was such a gripping illustration of leadership as love in action. One team member piped up and said: “Hey wait I've got a Bobcat and other equipment that’s needed. If someone was willing to help me, I could take care of that and we could save that school a big chunk of money.” Almost immediately another team member chimed in and said: “I'd be happy to help.” Within 24 hours those two men stepped out of their role as administrators and used their strength, skills, and equipment to deeply bless the people at that property. Two days later, the parking lot was entirely clean of trees, and the people at the property were profoundly grateful. They had seen the love of God show up through these loving men in tangible ways.
That, good reader, is such a sweet illustration of leadership as love in action. I trust that your heart is inspired like mine was when you read something like that. And, I'm confident, people are doing things like that to this day in areas like North Carolina that suffered massively because of the hurricane. May God bless and sustain them all.
Love is the Heart of the Gospel
Part of what makes defining Christian leadership as “love in action” robust is that love is clearly at the heart of the Gospel, which essentially means love is the heart of God. I know this is likely review for many of you, but I encourage you to “ponder anew” the centrality of love in shaping how we engage with those we lead and serve.
There are so many verses I can draw upon here. If you are familiar with the Word, I'm sure a number come to mind.
First would be this quote from 1st John, not surprisingly, written by the one who knew himself as the one Jesus loved: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God” (1 John 4:7).
Next, I move to the ultimate source and expert on leadership as love in action, namely Jesus, who in the eyes of countless people is known as the most loving man who ever lived. In John chapter 15 Jesus says some stunning things about love, things that are massively challenging to take to heart. In light of space limitations, I can only hit what's most germane to this blog. Within the span of about six sentences Jesus underscores the huge importance of loving each other two times, at the beginning and end of verses 12 through 17.
First he says in verse 12: “My command is this. Love each other as I have loved you.” Oh man. Love others as he has loved us. Really? In other words, that means: be remarkably loving in how you are with each other, and in what you do for each other. The defining characteristic of our leadership lives is meant to be: we loved well, above and beyond anything else. Yes, even be willing to die for each other, which he actually did–which he foreshadowed in the very next sentence.
Surely the above must mean that we are called to profoundly honor the dignity of each person we encounter. That can be so hard it hurts my heart to just think about it. To consistently let go of my selfish agenda, to let go of all of the things I'm worried about, or think are more important, in order to be present and focused on loving the person in front of me.
Jesus then wraps up that section with the bookend on love where he says in verse 17: “This is my command: Love each other.” That is very intense. I'm guessing that the disciples had to look around at that point, likely acutely aware of how much infighting and competition there had been in their midst, and how much they struggled to genuinely love one another. Jesus was articulating one high calling, and we can safely say that over time, every one but Judas fulfilled their highest calling.
Action Steps
Drawing on Kevin's story, I believe he would without hesitation say that learning to love people well has been one of the most rewarding experiences of his career. In fact, developing people is what he has been most passionate about in his leadership roles.
Inspired by Kevin’s modeling, how can you and I possibly love and serve others as Jesus did? While we can't do it as well as Jesus, Kevin's story is inspiring because it underscores a deep truth: we can all get really good at loving well if we put in the time and effort at the right things.
Fundamentally, I believe the core route to growing in embodying love in action is, frankly, to make it one of your top priorities. After all, per Jesus, it is one of the greatest callings on your life.
I hope to write about this more in future blogs, but essentially growing in our ability to love first off means growing in self-awareness. Most people, because they aren't self-aware, don't realize how much they make leadership about them, and not about developing and growing their people.
We grow in self-awareness basically through prayerful reflection, including journaling, and through avenues like close friendships, coaching or therapy. Close friendships, coaching or therapy provides an avenue for the "outsider" to give you feedback over time about their experience of you and what they are noticing about how you engage in your role. Should you decide to seek help in a professional sense, gratefully our practice is well equipped, and happy to help.
Ultimately, I believe the most important step is to ask God for the grace and courage to slow down enough to let yourself receive His counsel about how to become more loving in your leadership role, and then to follow the Holy Spirit's promptings towards your transformation, a transformation that is foundational to the fruitfulness of your life.
Wrapping Up
In wrapping up, may God continue to work in your heart, to grant you the grace to increasingly grow in your ability to convey true value to the people you lead and serve, by how you are with them, and by how you do good for them. May you also increasingly sense, through the power of the Holy Spirit, when your agenda has superseded what it means to love those you serve. And lastly, may we all grow in anticipation of encountering the One who embodies love in action in the truest sense of the word.