Overcoming Compulsive Behaviors: Steps to Life-Giving Transformation

Posted: August 8, 2024

Trapped in an Illusion of Control.

I remember a pivotal moment when I realized that the "control" I thought I had over my body and my food was an illusion. I believed I was in control, but in reality, the very thing I thought I was controlling was in fact controlling me.

During that time, no one knew about my eating disorder. This is often the case for many people who suffer from eating disorders, as they do not always fit the stereotype of a sickly thin individual. I was not emaciated or outwardly unhealthy. I ate food and had energy. No one thought of me as sick, or was worried about me. On the contrary, I was frequently praised for how healthy I appeared. I looked the healthiest I ever had. I worked out routinely and consistently fueled my body with nutritious foods. Candidly, I was known as the "healthy friend" and was often asked for diet and workout tips. People applauded my "self-discipline," with comments like, "I wish I could be good like you," "You look amazing," and "You are so healthy!" No one realized in truth I was in a prison of disordered eating and compulsive exercise.

One day, on one of my daily walks, the skies were clear, and the sun was perfectly warm on my face. It was a day ideal for eliciting feelings of peace, warmth, and gratitude. Yet, as I walked, I was less aware of the radiance of the sunbeams and more entrapped by the pain in my hips and the ache accompanying me on my every step. With the freshness of sunshine on my cheeks, I found myself crying. I wept because I desperately wanted to stop walking. I wept because I dreamed of stopping but doing so felt impossible. I wept as I reflected on the fact that everyone was so impressed with my self-discipline and that all I wanted was for someone to tell me I didn’t have to work so hard to be lovable.

The Realization

I didn’t know it on that walk. But later, as I became healthier, I became aware that all my efforts to embody the picture of health and beauty were driven by my largely unconscious desire to be worthy of love and acceptance. I had unwittingly tied my worth as a human being entirely to my weight and physical appearance. So, on that sunny day, with tears streaming down my face, I kept walking because if I stopped, I believed would soon find myself to be worthless.

What started as me innocuously controlling my dietary intake and physical activity quickly and imperceptibly became me being controlled and even imprisoned in my own mind—again--the control I thought I had was actually a lie. I wish I could say I stopped walking that day, but the reality is it took me several more months, professional help, and a much more honest evaluation of myself to get me to stop. I didn’t heal in that very moment, but that was one of my first realizations that if I kept going the way I was going, I would lose everything that made me enjoy life.

The Turning Point: Embodying My Best Friend’s Body

So, what do we do when the thing we meant to control becomes the very thing that controls us? For me, the turning point in my journey to recovery began with a simple yet profound practice suggested by my therapist. She encouraged me to “embody my best friend’s body” and treat myself with the same kindness and care I would offer her.

At first, frankly, the idea sounded ridiculous and even impossible. How could I view myself with the same compassion I had for my best friend? But I was truly desperate for change, so I decided to give it a try. Little did I know, this practice would become the cornerstone of my recovery.

Every morning, as I prepared my breakfast, I would pause and ask myself, “Would I serve this to my best friend?” If the answer was no, I would rethink my choices. When it came time for my daily walk, I would consider, “If my best friend begged for a rest, would I force her to keep going?” These questions were a revelation. Shifting my perspective away from my own self-criticism allowed me to see my disordered behaviors in a new light.

A Transformative Experience

I remember one particular morning when I made myself a hearty, nourishing breakfast. As I sat down to eat, I imagined my best friend smiling at me, grateful for the care I was showing myself. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized how harshly I had been treating myself. This practice of treating myself with kindness gradually became second nature. Over time, the questions evolved from “Would I serve this to my best friend?” to “Do I want this?”

The more I practiced this, the more my healthy self grew stronger. I began to see myself through kinder eyes, with a heart more and more full of compassion. I learned to honor my needs and listen to my body’s signals. Each small act of kindness toward myself became a step toward true freedom.

Embodying my best friend’s body wasn’t just a therapeutic exercise—it was a transformative act of self-love. It taught me that I deserve the same care and compassion I freely give to others. This one shift in perspective led me to a profound healing experience, helping me to break free from the chains of my eating disorder and embrace a life filled with genuine self-acceptance and love.

Encouragement for Your Journey

If you find yourself struggling with control, whether it's over food, exercise, or any other aspect of your life, I encourage you to try this practice. Imagine how you would treat your best friend in the same situation and extend that kindness to yourself. It might feel strange at first, but with time, it can become a powerful tool for healing.

Remember, you don’t have to go through this journey alone. Reach out for support from friends, family, or a professional. There is no shame in asking for help; it’s actually a sign of strength and courage. Healing is possible, and you are worth every step of the journey.

Final Thoughts

May you find peace in releasing control and embracing the love and care you deserve. Your worth is not tied to your weight or appearance but to the beautiful person you are inside and out. Keep walking, not in the chains of compulsion, but in the freedom of self-compassion and grace. Remember, recovery is a journey, and it's okay to take it one step at a time.

If you find yourself struggling with your relationship with food and body image or grappling with negative self-perceptions, I want to encourage you to reach out for support and help. As someone who understands the profound impact these challenges can have on your mental and emotional well-being, I would be honored to walk alongside you on your journey toward a more deeply enriched life. Together, we can explore faith-based practices, develop healthy coping strategies, and build a supportive community around you that fosters love and compassion. If you live in Illinois, please don't hesitate to reach out to me for guidance and support. (tessa@finishwellgroup.com or call me at (331) 267-5005). You don't have to face this journey alone—let's work together to embrace the unique beauty and worth that you possess.